This isn't my usual type of posts, but that seems to be a trend with me lately. I have to get something out though or I am afraid I am going to burst! Warning that what I am about to talk about may trigger some people, so don't read this if hearing about kids being abused is hard for you. I just have to say that we all know the system is flawed, but when the police will drag a girl out of a friends house were she is safe, to give her back to her extremely abusive mother because she needs a babysitter, that's not flawed, that's completely broken! My daughters best friend came here tonight after her mother kicked her out blaming her for cps being called on them. My daughter was with her when this happened, so she brought her home with her. The mother, realizing that she just kicked out her "babysitter" showed up wanting to take her home. I talked to the mother for over two hours, being told that she (the mother) hated her daughter and wanted her out of her life. She openly admitted the abuse but said that she didn't care because it wasn't her job to care for her kids, only to give them a place to live till she could legally kick her out. This woman has a long history of physically abusing this girl, including over Easter weekend throwing her to the ground holding her down, casting "demons" out of her. When the cops heard this, the one said that it wasn't illegal to have mental illness and choose not to be medicated, so if the mom believed that at the time, then that was her right. HER RIGHT??? Since when is it ANYONES right to physically attack a child? This isn't spanking a child for doing something wrong or slapping there hand because they are about to touch a stove. This is having a mental breakdown and physically attacking your child because of it. I will go on record right now and say that there is NEVER an excuse to treat your child like that. The mother tells the daughter she should kill herself because all she does is destroy her mothers life by being alive. PLEASE, someone, anyone explain to me how that is ok in our society! This girl was so upset that the police ended up taking her in for suicide watch. This is a "Christian" woman doing this to her daughter. How can we have any hope for our children's generation when parents are allowed to act like this. We wonder why the suicide rate and school/mass shootings are happing. This is why people! We need to wake up, stand up, and make a change before it is too late!!! If one person speaks out about child abuse and the lax laws, no one listens, but if we all do, then we will be heard. I am asking everyone to please share this post every where to show people that this doesn't just happen on TV or to someone no one knows. This happens anywhere and every where and its usually the families that look great on the outside that have these dark secrets going on. If we don't end this, we don't need to worry about terroroists or whos bombing who, because we will destroy the world ourselves by sitting back in silence!
Things have been crazy here. In mostly really good ways. I am experiencing so much healing, mentally, physically, spiritually, and more. I have wanted to write quite a few times, but have crashed from the busy days too quickly at night. This will be a short but sweet post letting you all know that this absence is a good one, in that good things are happening. I cant stay up too much later, I have a breakfast date in the morning. I am loving this new me. I am going places, meeting more people, getting my life back!! Its awesome! 10 1/2 years ago, when I was first diagnosed with MS, I never pictured I would be in the great place i am now. I promise I will write more in my next post. There is a lot to catch you up on.
 One of the hardest things I deal with, with my MS is when I can no longer do things that I loved. Last Saturday my church held a "Creative Arts" class. I went to this class, honestly, to prove to myself that I could still do everything I used to. Yes, I know that I was setting myself up for failure, but if you ever met me, you wouldn't expect any less from me. The class was split up through the day, incorporating music, dance, writing, and painting. All centered around opening your mind and heart to hear what the holy spirit was telling you. There was so much that happened, that I will split it up into two posts. I'm going to talk about mainly the paining now. It was broke down into three steps, with activities in between to allow the layers to dry. The first step was just to use warm colors only to cover the canvas completely. Of course everyone's paintings look alike at this point because there are only so many warm colors of paint to use. Of course, I went into this with a solid plan as to what I was painting. I started off with making rings of color starting with yellow at the center and ending with brown at the outside. I was feeling very good about all of it. That is, until the instructor gave us the rules for the second layer. It must have showed in my face because she looked at me and said I had to do it too. We had to use only cool colors, and get this...mess up our painting. We had to use other tools like, credit cards, droppers, tissue paper..etc.. At first I just sat staring at my canvas. I had a plan. I had drawn out a sketch of what my painting was going to be. I couldn't mess it up. Then how was I going to do what I wanted? Sounds like a familiar scenario in many parts of our lives, doesn't it? The teacher walked around commenting on everyone's paintings so far, but I had done nothing. She didn't say anything, just smiled at me and put her hand on my shoulder. Then it hit me. I wasn't supposed to be planning, that's not how God works. I said a quick prayer to myself and got started. In minutes, my painting was coming alive. Streaks and blotches of cool colors blending and melding together making my painting into something I never pictured. By the time the teacher said to stop, I had created something that really was looking cool. I was excited during lunch picturing the million different ways it could go. The third step, was to use other mediums creatively. I knew right away what I was supposed to do. Searching the table, I found felt stars, beads, lace, and wire. Sitting down at my painting I got to work. a little manipulation later and I had a heart shaped cage, a pair of lace wings and a felt dove. It was clear what the holy spirit was showing me. The night before, I had prayed for God to open my heart to love if it was his plan. It was, my painting became a dove, carrying the cage that was around my heart into the sun. That's when it hit me. My heart wasn't opened just to love, but to change, and adjusting. I could still do everything I loved, I just had to accept that I had to do it differently than what I wanted or expected. We all can. If you love writing, but cant hold a pencil or even type, you can use a speech to text app. If you love to dance, dance while sitting. Trust me, its still a lot of fun. If you open your heart and mind, God will show you how to use the talents and love that he gave you.
I think that all parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or even just adults in general, at some point feel they are alone. When you are in a position where others, especially children, count on you, this makes it happen even more. So, when you are a parent of special needs teens and you are physically disabled yourself, well, you are doomed to feel this way a lot. Over the last 17 years, I have felt alone a lot. This was never the people in my life like my family's fault. It was on me. I expected perfection from myself, and that is what I showed. I always put on a smile, even if I was screaming for help on the inside. Not that it mattered really. I wouldn't have accepted help if it was right there. Many times I even turned down help that was offered, insisting that I didn't need it, when I really did. As a mom, I felt like I had to remain a rock for my kids. As a wife, I couldn't embarrass my husband by letting anyone know I needed help. As a modern woman, wasn't I supposed to be made of steel? This was hard enough when my kids were little. I had reoccurring health issues, but my drs wrote them off as stress of having four toddlers at once. It wasn't until I was unable to feel from the middle of my chest down , that we worried. Being diagnosed with an incurable neurological disorder at 26, with 4 kids ranging from 3-7, it was the worst thing I could have heard at the moment. Because of my "need" for perfection, I didn't seek out others with this disease, or really talk to my drs. I thought I could deal all by myself. Those that know me, know that my ex had a big role in that too, but it was me that ultimately made the choice to try to ignore it. These last few years, as you know have been full of major ups and downs. Many times I felt completely alone. I realized something though.... While I may not have someone here with me, other than my kids (had to add that in case they read this so they know I am talking about an other adult), I was never alone. I don't mean just because God was always with me either. There isn't an other adult for me to share responsibilities with, no one else is here to take care of me when I cant get out of bed, but there are always people that love me and my kids watching out for us. If my kids need anything, they have a grandmother that does everything she can to help make sure they get it. If I need to take them to the Drs, their adopted grandma is always there...etc. Our family is huge, and messy, and we don't get to see each other much, but they are still there and as soon as they see us, no matter how long its been, they let us know how much they love us. Our adopted family is always there whenever we need them, even if we don't realize that we do. They call the cops as soon as they see certain people in our town, they show up with special treats for my kids, they are so happy every time they see us. I might not have an other adult in the house, but I have even better, love. My children and I are loved in the best ways possible. Adopted family members that live too far away to see, send their love over the internet, the ones close by, in person, and the ones that cant see us in person, are watching over us from Heaven. So, the next time, like we all do, you feel alone, remember that no one is truly alone, no matter how much it may seem like you are. There is always someone that loves you somewhere.
I usually sit down to write with a clear story or idea in my head. I find it makes writing about anything easier. Today I just cant come up with a topic or plan, so I am just going to talk. Sometimes, all of us, sick or not, just need to talk. I had a great Dr apt today, that at the same time made me step back and really look at my life. Those that know me in real life, know that I have all the patience in the world for others, but NONE for myself. I expect perfection from myself at all times. This being said, I have been walking for two months now, so I thought that I should be walking completely normal, and able to go on walks..etc. As a single mom, and one with a neurological disorder and many health problems, I expect myself to be no different than any other mom, so I take it really hard when I "mess up". All my Dr kept saying was how amazing I am doing walking and that she still cant believe it. I told her I was so tired all the time, and her response threw me.. "you haven't walked in three years at all, your body has to build back up to walking and having enough energy to compensate". This let me realize that I have to stop stressing and being mad at what I cant do "well" and just keep pushing to get there. It makes me think, what other things am I being unrealistic about in my expectations of myself? DO any of you have these same internal struggles? How do you deal with it? Do you have a mantra? Id love to hear back what my readers go through. Well, this short but sweet blog is done, as I walked a lot today, and am pooped! Till next time :)
As promised, today I am going to tell you about the miracle we received a few months ago. I'll start by telling a little about a church we found about a year ago. On my first day ever there, a guest speaker was preaching. In the middle of her talking, her husband stopped her and came over to me. I wont say all that he said, because it wont matter as much to others as it did for me. I will say though, that there wasn't a question in my mind about whether God was speaking to me through him. Every time I have gone to this church, something amazing has happened. About 6 months ago, God showed me through a lady there that I would be walking again. This is what kick started my journey to get PT. I was doing ok with my PT until one night about to months ago, when I went to church to hear a speaker. It turned out that no one spoke. The worship team sang and prayed and anyone that felt led, came up and spoke what God was telling them. My son kept poking my side telling me to stand up. I thought he was being goofy, until I got the urge to dance. I asked in my head if I was supposed to stand, would God give me a sign. I heard clear as day, "You did, through your son". I was not only able to stand that night, but also walk, and even dance. When I got home, my kids couldn't get over their mom walking! It was a true miracle, that I still get to share with people who see me walking for the first time. Some, don't even recognize me at first without my chair. This post isn't how I usually write, but I really wanted to share my story to give hope to others out there, and tell them to never give up!
2013 came with a lot of changes for me and my kids. The last 5 years have been insane, trying to clean up messes others made, dealing with health issues of not only me, but my kids as well. These included me going into a wheelchair full time, kids getting diagnosed with issues that had been passed off as other things, and so much more. They are a whole blog in themselves. We decided where we wanted to be was around family and people that loved us and we loved. Now, we are doing well and moving on with our lives, healing from the past. Part of my healing was realizing that I had thrown the baby out with the bathwater and stopped doing the things that I loved and was good at. That is changing now. I am back to write about my life with MS and hopefully catch up with my loyal readers and gain some new ones. If there is one thing that I learned out of all of this that might help you as well, it is that not dealing with outside stresses, can lead to very real inside problems. I was completely bed ridden for far to long with my MS because I refused to deal with what had happened. My MS grabbed hold and continued to control more and more of my life. A few months ago I was able to say.."NO MORE". Little by little, every day I got stronger. I was still in a wheelchair, but was going places, and having fun with my kids again. I started PT, OT, and got help in to keep me going. Two months ago things took off with healing for all of us. I will talk more about that in my next blog. My kids started hanging out with friends, doing extra curricular activities, having friends over....etc. It is the best gift a mother can get, seeing her kids happy again. I guess in reality, I am back in all areas of my life and it feels GREAT!
All kids hate change, but none more than kids with special needs. The flip side is that if the change is needed, they are the first to adapt to it as well. We have had a HUGE change in our lives. We have to start all over. But it is good. It is a change that is needed. It has been coming for a long time. Now as a family we are going to decide what the next step needs to be. The kids are doing awesome through all of this. Better than I could have ever imagined actually (much better than me at times). Biggest complaint I have heard so far is that I am still making my youngest eat vegetables. They are becoming their own little individual persons. I am finding out who I am. Somethings that have been needed for a long time. I am learning a lot of things about them and myself that I didn't even know. We are at this point in life where we could go anywhere, do anything. So the world is our playground. Now to decide where we are going with it.
At some point in everyones lives we have to make choices. There are many factors that come into play that help us with those choices. Some are easy and some are hard. Easy choices are things like, what you are going to wear today. Sometimes those choices take a lot more thought. Sometimes the choices are in such a way that there is only one option. Recently I had one of those choices to make where it was hard, but there was really only one option to chose. It was a choice that affected a lot of lives, many negatively, but in the end I had to weigh how it would affect us, and go with that. I fell bad for the people who this decision weighed negatively on, but I also feel good that I made a decision that will lead to a better life for all concerned. I am going to trust that God will send someone else to fill my shoes with the others. That shouldnt be too hard, so I am not worried. The roasd ahead is not going to be an easy one, but it is a good one. Yes being sick will make it even harder than for some people, but in a way having to fight harder for things because of being sick, will make things easier in some ways. I am taking each day one at a time, every hurdle one at a time, and praying the whole way to the finish line. I am so blessed to have some really great people in my corner for this that are helping us thru encouragement and prayers. They are the pillars to help me stand tall. Thank you to all of you.
One of the worse things about being sick and trying to live like your not, is dealing with anger. Anger about what the disease does to you, anger that no one seems to understand or expects more out of you than you can give, anger having to hear people whine about things that really in the greater scheme of things mean nothing. This is something that I have been dealing with a lot lately. I have had many times in the last month where I have had to come to the conclusion that this disease is going to keep me from things I love. I can no longer play instruments, draw, paint, really do anything that requires great dexterity with my hands. When I talk to anyone, I feel like a bumbling idiot. I trip over words, stutter, stammer, ect. Half the time I cant remember what I am talking about half way thru the sentence. Riding a bike or even a horse are out of the question. I have had to listen while people complain because they cant understand what is wrong with them because their car broke down, or because the rain made them have to cancel their picnic at the beach. Now I am not belittling other peoples problems, I am just stating what makes me mad. I honest to God had to listen the other day while a man was talking about his mother dying of cancer and he said " as she was dying I kept asking her, why is God doing this to me" yes you read that right. He was not wondering why God let his mom get sick, but he wanted to know why God was punishing him. I understand that other people go thru things when we are sick, but to completely turn it around to be about you is just sick. I have been working two part-time jobs and it is doing a lot of damage to my health, but it is necessary. When I get home from work I am in so much pain, and I just want to be able to lay down, but cant because I have to deal with other peoples problems (not my kids) whose problems always have to supersede my own no matter what. I just want to smack people some times, but I cant because it would hurt my hands too much.
| AuthorA mother with MS just trying to make it in this world. ArchivesMay 2013 Categories |
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